Confession Time!

Ouch, today's lesson hurt! I'm still in week seven, day 2, "While the meat was still between their teeth." I sometimes wonder why things happen like they do. Like why I am still on week 7...I was so sick last week that I didn't even do any of the study. Excuses could run for days, but I don't think it would have had the impact on me if I would have studied it any sooner. Being sick, I lost a couple of pounds...not the way I wanted, but loss nonetheless. I weigh less now than I did when I got pregnant with the girls. I'm still a good 60 lbs overweight, but I have to tell you, sick or not, I felt pretty good when I saw the scale number. (which triggers me to believe that could be a whole other therapy session in itself.) Anyway, long story short, I went to church for the first time in 3 weeks and wanted Mexican food last night after we were leaving Calvary. I didn't necessarily crave anything, I was just hungry, and bottom line....I just WANTED it. I didn't want to come home and have an egg sandwich, or whatever we could create out of our "end of the month...got to make it stretch...food items" we have here at the house. To be honest, our dining out budget was blown but that didn't matter to me. I wanted Mexican food. (stomp foot!) Well, my husband graciously stopped at the local Crazy Jose's and we ate dinner. I have to say, it was good, very good. It was there that I fell into the hands of the enemy. It wasn't the tantrum I through in my mind, or even the endless chips and hot sauce, but my noncompliance with obeying the little voice that told me "that is enough." Over and over again, I ignored it...like a screaming child in a public place...or the pink elephant in the room. I knew what I was doing at the time, and I felt bad, but not bad enough to stop. Once I came home, I started feeling bloated from all of the chips and salt, etc. but hey, "it was good." This morning I woke at 4:30 feeling so bloated and full...like my stomach is in my throat. I know it isn't a coincidence that today's lesson was meant for just this moment. I'm such an Israelite. I whined because I wanted other food ...all the while God had provided good food for me to eat at home. I through a fit and God allowed me over to myself. Now I feel sick, bloated, greasy...all to my own doing. Lord, forgive me for being defiant...allow me to feel this way all day...as a reminder that you want me to listen to you. Your manna is sufficient for me. When I take my eyes off you, food does become my idol. Help it not to be so today. Forgive me for being a spoiled brat. Girls, I need tough love right now, don't let me rationalize my behavior.

How are the two of you doing? Hope to hear from you soon. Lots of love-have a great, moderate day!

Sam'