How my friends know me...

Aaaah, my heart, my heart, my heart. How nice of you to ask. Good question. Hmmm. Can you see I'm stalling...? You know, I have been somewhat avoiding blogging because I read the epiphanies you have, Sam, and even the light bulbs that you have, Erin, and I would have to say that I feel like I could be so close to those moments, but they pass me by because I am not sitting still long enough, and I feel like I have good excuses...but they are just that. Justifications and rationalizations. Overall, I believe that the problem is that I am tired and unorganized. And selfish. I get up at 6 and fall asleep doing my study, so as of late (past couple of days) I have been sleeping in. I don't spend enough time with the kids, because I am trying to get caught up in the house, which I feel I will never get. I have so many projects to complete and that doesn't even begin to include the normal chores of the house, that I don't know where to begin, except that the kitchen always needs to be cleaned, so I usually start there. Then I get side-tracked somewhere in the middle of that job to go change the kids and get them ready for the day, break up some fights, cool some attitudes, clean up the upstairs and it's almost 11am. Lunch around 11:30, naps a hair after noon and then I have the older boys take quiet time for half an hour. They want to play with me the whole nap time, but i know that I have laundry to do or a host of other things, though I want them to feel like I want to be with them, I don'tknow. The kids get up around 3, Tim's home by 4:45, I start dinner and we eat by 6 and kids are in bed again by 8ish. I either go to bed right away so as not to be tired, or I get personal things done, and I feel that I deserve MY time, and yet I don't equate MY time with having or doing my quiet time. God has spoken to me on some small levels that I needed at the time, but I am asking for so much more right now. I want to get more meat out of what I read, and feel like when I pray to understand the lesson, no one is listening because I don't draw life changing information from the lessons...for some reason. THat and I forget what the lesson was about 10 minutes after I quit (which is half way through because the kids get up and need me). I haven't the energy to go go go anymore and I am far more likely to peter out than I used to be and when I peter out, I sit and relax (watch tv or work on the computer), all the while being mad at myself for sitting there watching tv and not getting something done. Now, here it is 11:30pm and I am still up because I wanted to blog, but since I have fallen asleep at least 8 times during this-so far- it has taken a lot longer than I wanted. All this whining...I HATE whining. I do not put up with it in kids and yet here I am. The short of it, I think, begins with I need to get organized. Really. That would help, I think. Of course, none of that answered the question of how my heart is. I feel like with the speed of my days and the lack of devotion to God, my heart isn't soft for him. Part because I am not committed to Him and part because I am frustrated that He hasn't revealed things to me which brings me right back to why would he reveal anything to me when I don't give him my time...? Argh!

Aren't you glad you asked, Erin??? I'm almost embarassed to hit "publish post" but I sat here through all this so I had better persevere, publilsh this and get to bed. I so badly want to sleep in tomorrow because Elijah and Levi went with Tim to pick up Tim's grandma, and they won't be back until tomorrow afternoon, so I am able to sleep longer I am so sorry, Jackson. rearranging the day off to get the boys to be here, and by a freak chance, they aren't. I even got Levi out of bed tonight so he could go...per Tim's request. After reading all this, you can tell I am in and out of sleep...the thoughts are so jumpy and more like from the mind of a crazy lady. That's what I feel like a lot. A crazy lady who's on her own, scrambling to make it through the day.

On a slightly less selfish side, I am glad to be going through your growth, ladies. It's almost discouraging because I can't join in with you and I want to, but I am glad for you that you are growing closer to God. I just don't want to feel so disjoined anymore and I know I am my own "disjoiner."