Dear Sam' 2

Oh Sam'! Those children! What would you do without them? There they were poached like little birds waiting for me to come out of the dressing room. I was trying on some dresses (trying to use my free $10 coupon and get a mother's day gift out of the deal.) and they were such encouragers. Between the "Mommy, I like that one!" and "Mommy, get that one!s" I heard what they were really saying..."Mommy, please take care of yourself. Mommy, we like it when you wear makeup, because we know you feel better about yourself when you do." I ended up deciding on a pair of needed capris instead of a dress, and left with 3 disappointed kids. It was then that it really hit me...I don't dress up any more...I don't look towards something with expectation...I don't take care of myself. Looking back, oh how I wished my mom would have taken care of herself. I don't want to have my kids say that about me. I came home and skimmed my closet for my outfit for church the next day. Old skirts...to my ankles...skirts that I like and have had from the last time they were in style (no lie)...but I have to say, "a little Amish." I found one dress...my little new, sassy one that I bought a month ago for our Tennessee trip. I took myself and my three children to church on Mother's Day, wearing a strappy dress that hits right above my knees. I put on my best makeup and did up my hair, and marched my uncomfortable self right into that church being blessed that my children were proud of me. Uncomfortable because it wasn't like me...not the outside me...not the "can't show my tree trunks with varicose veins, or show my fat arms." No, I showed the inside me...the one who desperately wants to come out...the one who wants to experience life and not live in existence to fear. Mother's Day had a new look for me...and it was a good look...the one I saw in little eyes.

You have a lot to offer Sam'. Quit beating yourself up. Face it, and get on with it. So what if people see the veins and the arms? What do you care what they think? Screw it and live life (nice and Godly, of course). Don't make your children feel the guilt and sadness you feel for your mom...they deserve better than that, and so do you.

Love You. Love me.