Oh how true it was. Now, I haven't had the dressing room experience, but all three of us know that right now, we are beautiful to our children. Right now, I say, because they don't know how we are treating ourselves. They don't know the inner struggles and how we refuse the Holy Spirit.
I was talking to Erin the other day, relaying a similar experience to her, though I didn't know it at the time (how is it that is is so comforting to know that your friends are sinning the same ways that we are...it should be shameful, right???). Well, I am starting to see the shame. Erin already does. In a nut shell, this is what we talked about:
Not sure of all the detail, but the other day I had to make 2 dozen cookies for Elijah's fun fair at school. I bought 3 dozen to accomplish that. mistake number one. After making his cookies, I opened the other package and made one for myself, and then ate 2 or 3 of the dough squares. Now, over the course of the next 3 days, I ate all but 1 of them. The problem that was just unveiled to me was that with one of the bites I was going to take, I felt the urge, the conviction, the Holy Spirit himself telling me not to eat it in so many ways. Do you know what I did? I ignored that "small still voice." It wasn't until later that I realized what I had, in essence done. I basically told the Holy Spirit to shut up! I also realized that I must have been doing that for years and not calling it what it was. At first, I didn't think too much of it, and even told Erin that I didn't think that I was at the point of being sorry. In actuality, I am sad about it all. No, I haven't been up at nights unable to sleep because of the guilt or the shame, but eternity has been in my head CONSTANTLY. Maybe not because of the fact that I have been ignoring the Holy Spirit's convictions, but eternity has still made it's way to my thoughts, and to be honest, I don't much like thinking about it. It makes my scalp tingle, my skin go cold and my stomache to feel fear. The concept of not living in the confines of time...uncomprehendible...at any rate, off topic here. Isn't this one thing Paul warned of doing, "quench not the spirit"? No wonder my spiritual life hasn't been that thrilling, full of ah-has and lightbulb moments of tender or even firm shaping by our Father in heaven. I have been ignoring His Spirit for so long now, and I never even realized it. I am hopeful that this will bring a new light to why I do what I do and help me to see what is really happening. Then perhaps I can face the real battles in life with new realization.
As for you and swimming, Sam, kick Satan in the nards, so-to-speak. I mean, seriously, we all have our Satan strong-holds. You realize at least one of yours, and you are attempting to kick it. Satan isn't that strong, and for that matter, neither is that water. You can remember your kids through it all, if you want, but it is basically something that brings you to say yes to God and not the resounding NO that I have clearly been shouting for some time now. I pray that you will over come this THROUGH and FOR Christ!!!!! You and your family will be a wonderful sidebar of enjoyment with that victory!
Erin, thanks for guiding me through my thinking the other day. I don't know if I would have fully realized my folly if it weren't for talking about it like that. Your honesty was revealing for me as well, and though we are both stuck in a shameful sin, we are seeing the light of Christ and making our way towards Him. Thank you, my friend.
Ok, this has been LONG overdue, but if I remain on this for too long, Elijah will be late for school.
Oh, and Erin. what do you think of going over week 3 again??? I think it would be good for me too! Of course, I only say that because I just started week four day one this morning...ugh.
Godly fasting to you both. May we all truly have our sin revealed to us today!!!!!!!!!
I love you girls!!!
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